I mean, we wanted to have kids, we really wanted to have kids... we just didn’t think it was going to happen.
My wife has a medical condition called endometriosis which affects a woman’s ability to reproduce so, really, didn’t think it was possible. We’d joke about “adopting Nigerian triplets” (ok... I’D joke about adopting Nigerian triplets) but we strongly felt that adoption was our only option.
Then, a few months ago, some rather odd things started happening to my lady.
• Exhausted all the time.
• Sore boobies.
A positive DYGBAD (Dude You’re Gonna Be A Dad!) Pregnancy Test, later, followed by a regularly scheduled OBGYN sesh to confirm (what was already 99.9% confirmed) and, yeah...
We were pregnant.
Seriously. It’s a fear I have. And I imagine it’s a fear other men have, too. Babies are so small at birth that they fit on our forearms (with legs and arms and other potential appendages hanging here and there).
this fear is normal and not to worry,
something about how babies are rather durable and heal quickly.
She did emphasize not dropping the baby, yes.
We’ve all been in the mall restaurant movie theater grocery store playground (err) when a baby was wailing like a fire truck rushing down Main Street.
I’m being told by those in the know that babies have cries that are distinct from each other, that we’ll quickly figure out which is the:
• “I’m HUNGRY!” cry from the
• “I’m BORED!” cry from the
• “I’m TIRED!” cry from the
• “I want to be HELD DIFFERENTLY!” cry from the
• “JUST GIVE ME BACK TO MOM!!!” cry.
Or so I pray.
Dude. Woah. Fair question, right? I ask myself it all the time.
Is my job to be the breadwinner, to hunt and gather and beat my chest and tend to the fire?
The more I ponder this the more I remind myself that it’s the 21st Century, that good relationships revolve around good communication, and that
We can talk about it! I
have friends where Dad is out of work and Mom is working full time, working hard to provide for their family. That Dad is just as Dad-esque as the Dad who pulls in six figures and Mom who does Pure Barre classes all day before and after getting her nails done.
Discussing roles before and relatively soon after with my partner will help facilitate what our roles are.
• Some Dads take all of the middle-of-the-night diaper changes.
• Some Dads parent solo one night per week so their partner can go out with their friends.
• Some Dads work on fishing vessels in Alaskan waters and only see their kids every 6 months…
• and then there’s the Dads in Uniform who see their kids even less frequently. Grateful to them for their sacrifice!
Switch out Dad for Mom on all of these, and, yeah, still happens!
Fair question. Dude. Totally, totally fair question.
Ever notice how a lot of people have... wait for it... siblings?
That means their parents had sex at least once after the older kid was born.
It happens. Things get back to normal, even down there.
Some women do Kegel exercises to tighten up the love canal. Others have surgery. Either way, it will happen again, where you will once again occupy that space that your newfound or impending nugget recently passed through, like Zach Brown and Highway 20.
A future article will cover such topics as:
• How do you change a diaper without getting shit all over you?
• How will I know that I’m a good dad?
• What’s the right type of diaper/pacifier/bottle?
• If it’s a daughter, how will I ever allow her to leave the house past age 4?