7 Not-So-Sexy Things About Sex

August 26, 2014

7 Not-So-Sexy Things About Sex

Photo Credit: 3.bp.blogspot.com

Congratulations.

You managed to navigate those first few awkward dates without looking like a total ass. You kept your composure clear through bases one through three and she hasn’t used her pepper spray on you yet.

Hmm.

Things are looking like you might get a little sexy time this weekend, but lest you forget just how un-sexy sex can really be, let me remind you about some of the dirty facts for when you get dirty.

1. The Sock Issue.

Has ANYONE ever really looked sultry while doing the "one-footed dance" trying to peel off their socks?

Nope.

Not to mention, tripping and falling into the dresser is not actually a form of foreplay for normal folks.

2. Spontaneous Sex Can Backfire

It’s super sexy to have some impromptu, spur-of-the-moment sex, right?

Heck yeah!

Well, other than the fact that NEITHER of you planned ahead enough to trim/shave/wax that chia pet you got growing down there.

Anyone got a hedge trimmer?

chia pet hello kitty

3. No Fan, All Glory.

It’s too hot in the room so you turn on the fan. Brilliant solution! Until you realize that it turned her into the Sahara desert down there.

Try pushing an Oscar Meyer wiener through a stale hotdog bun and you’ll catch my drift. The fix? Nix the fan and turn down the thermostat. You’ll thank me later.  

4. Post-Coital... Puddle.

Ahh yes, post-coital bliss.

So peaceful, satisfied, relaxing....wait. What the hell is that? Aw, damn it, I just rolled into the wet spot. Wait, is that my wet spot or hers?

5. The Funk Near Your Junk.

camel

Your underwear. Yeah, we all know they look sexy on the rack at Victoria’s Secret, but after a long night of dancing and twerking (what were you thinking?) you seem to have worked up a little funk down there.

Not to mention, what’s with the camel toe? It might be a good idea to turn off the lights before you disrobe. Just saying...

6. Language, People, Language.

Seriously, what’s with the word “Scrotum?” Somebody out there came up with that word and thought it was just going to roll off the tongue, no problem. Yeah, well, it doesn’t. Not even close! Hell, I feel dirty just having written the word and I have a scrotum.

Eww, I said it again. Gross.

7. Pain Face = About to Sneeze Face = Your “O” Face.

Think about your MOF (Magnificent Orgasm Face).

There is a pretty good chance that the face you make when you’re feeling the best you ever have is exactly the same face you make when you’re in excruciating pain. Or when you’re about to sneeze.

Are they coming or did someone just slam a crowbar into their shin? I guess we will never know...

orgasm face

8. (Bonus) The Post-Sex Stank.

Seriously, what is that smell? I know I might not have showered for a couple days, but come on! Apparently bumping uglies creates some kind of pungent, musky aroma that is a tell-tale sign to anyone who walks by that somebody has been up to no good.

Just ask your momma the next time she comes by for a surprise visit. She will tell you what I’m talking about.

9. (Bonus 2) Varting.

Here’s a little math equation for you:

Vagina + Penis + Vigorous thrusting = Not-so-sexy farting sounds.

Quick, change positions and try to pretend you didn’t hear it.

Nothing to see here folks; please move along.

10. (Bonus 3) The New Hair Gel.

Seriously, guy? You got it in her hair.

I know on your favorite porn site that kind of hang time is something to brag about, but all she is thinking about now is whether or not she is going to need some dandruff shampoo to get out your goo.

Stop trying to emulate everything you see on the Internet and point that thing towards her belly button aka landing zone aka bull’s eye like a normal person.

sexual bulls eye Just Trying to Bring the Sexy Back.




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