Not to be dramatic, but hormones have ruined a significant portion of my life.
• From leaving gym class in 9th grade due to cramps, to
• puking through my entire first pregnancy, and
• making highly questionable life decisions to be later regretted,
I can’t help but long to be 85 and have all this nonsense behind me.
If PMS hunger is staggering, pregnancy and breastfeeding hunger is truly the eighth wonder of the world.
In my experience the only word to describe it is panic.
Particularly if there’s no immediate path to food!
Pregnancy cravings are highly specific. I remember stopping for pickles in the supermarket and chugging the juice straight from the jar at stop lights. And God help my husband if he meagerly suggested the wrong ice cream outlet. It couldn’t just be Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. It had to be the chocolate ice cream with the peanut butter ribbons.
In the case of breastfeeding, it is intense hunger combined with thirst that creates a sense of urgency that evokes terrors of being lost in a desert for 40 years like Moses.
Your throat will feel as parched as sawdust. Your fantasies will involve watermelons.
I know of what I speak. Thus:
You may start off the day with noble intentions, but oh will it backfire when at 10am you want to inhale a pizza.
• So eat things that are a reasonable facsimile of the coveted food.
• If you’re craving sweet, have a banana with peanut butter.
• If you’re craving crunchy, go for pretzels.
You simply can’t be a virtuous kale-eating saint at times like this.
Your hormones mean business.
Hormones make you hungry.
Protein and fiber make you full.
One of my go-to snacks is a wheat wrap with
• grilled chicken,
• Greek yogurt,
• and veggies.
Now is not the time for low-fat treats.
• and nuts are your friend.
• A scoop of ice cream might be, too.
These are dire times.
Fro-yo won’t cut it.
Yes, you’ll be convinced it’s a good idea
• to divorce your husband
• and quit your job
...but please wait 5-7 days/9 months and re-consider.
This should be written into law.
This site that allows you to order any custom combination of feminine products delivered to your front door (you choose amounts, sizes, and brands), combined with a different surprise gift every month to brighten your week. For $15 a month.
That’s as much as your Netflix subscription.
A small price to pay to have a quarter of your reproductive life not suck.
This company makes “smart” underwear for that time of the month.
It wicks moisture, absorbs leaks, doesn’t stain, and uses anti-microbial technology.
And it looks sexy.
No more granny panties.
How do you cope with hormonal madness? I’m open to tips since last I checked I have a good 15-20 years of this craziness ahead.