7 Uncomfortable Truths of New Motherhood

by Allen Gil November 14, 2014

7 Uncomfortable Truths of New Motherhood

Photo Credit: themominmemd.files.wordpress.com

No matter how much time you’ve spent around kids, there’s no way to gradually ease into the fact that becoming a parent means your life changing dramatically and instantly.

I bring to light these truths not to be negative, but to reassure you that you’re normal and help you reach a place of acceptance.

1. You’ll Miss Your Old Life.

• You'll hit a point a month-in where you've been running on fumes for weeks living a bizarre twilight existence and life as you knew it is unrecognizable.

The baby won't stop wailing, your husband is a buffoon, and your mother made a tactless comment about how she had no trouble nursing.

motherhood breastfeedingdirtydiaperlaundry.com

2. You'll Be Boring.

Your daily thoughts will be consumed with a log of

• feeding times,
• naps,
• and bowel movements.

You'll suddenly feel like an anthropologist observing a foreign species when everyone in the room is talking about the new iPhone and the World Series and you realize you don't even know (or care, on particularly harrowing days) how your husband's day was, let alone the events of the world.

Your dream of hiking Half Dome will be replaced with the dream of spending an uninterrupted hour at Target.

motherhood targetneworleansmomsblog.com

3. You'll Want To Murder Your Husband/Partner/S.O.

• So universal is this that my hospital birthing instructor actually took the expectant moms aside during one session to warn us.

A low-grade general pissed-offedness will stew for weeks until it reaches a critical breaking point and the tiger becomes unleashed - perhaps

• when your husband requests sympathy for his lack of restful sleep,

• or when he complains he never gets a break when he arrives home at 7 from Happy Hour,

• or when he accidentally dumps the breast milk you painstakingly pumped for 45 minutes.

motherhood dad baby childsleepscience.files.wordpress.com

4. The Dentist Will Sound More Fun Than Sex.

The dentist involves lying down in a passive state while someone takes care of you.

• Sex (if you're doing it right) involves slightly more work on your part.

Combine that with

• leaky breasts,
• exhaustion,
• and a human being helping itself to your body parts 24/7

and sex will sound a lot like one more person asking a favor of you.

motherhood family bedstatic.guim.co.uk

5. You'll Be Jealous Of Your Childless Friends.

Here’s how this one goes down:

• You're driving to Qdoba for dinner because you’ve exhausted your supply of Trader Joe’s frozen fare.

• The toddler is going batshit because you couldn't find the orange hat and the baby is shrieking because she can't get herself to sleep.

• Suddenly you’ll see your life as a sort of third-person omniscient narrator juxtaposed with the image of your childless friends who are no doubt enjoying a lovely glass of chardonnay while they plan their trip to Brazil.

The reality of your new life will hit home when you realize your Netflix Recommendations are entirely composed of Barney holiday specials.

6. The Lack Of Silence Will Make You Lose Your Shit.

Particularly if you're naturally introverted and you have multiple children, the constant noise will destroy you.

It's not a background din that can be tuned out.

• No. This noise demands a response.

You've tried four times to tell your husband one thing that happened during your day and each time been interrupted by a toddler’s complaints of a hurting elbow.

motherhood baby cryingmedia2.s-nbcnews.com

7. Neurosis Is An Endless Well.

The narrative typically takes the form of a MadLibs as follows:

"Something is wrong with my baby and it's my fault because I ____________________(got highlights while pregnant/bought the cheap carseat/hired a babysitter for a date night), so my child will _______________ (feel neglected/have a lower IQ/be forever disadvantaged).

One more warning, parents-to-be:

• Your face will hurt from smiling so hard.
• You’ll want to inhale your child, so consuming is the love.
• You’ll rekindle the magic of your own childhood.
• Your heart will soar with each coo and grin.

motherhood lovesavethechildren.ca

As my mother told me, get ready for the ride of your life.  

Allen Gil
Allen Gil


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