Sex After Baby: AKA The Great Drought

December 20, 2014

Sex After Baby: AKA The Great Drought

Photo Credit: i3.mirror.co.uk

Ah, post-baby sex.  Alternately titled…

  • The Great Drought
  • The Dust Bowl
  • The shortest article ever written

The human body is truly a marvel, isn’t it?  One minute you’re pregnant, so flush with hormonal lust are you that you dream of banging random strangers of questionable attractiveness, punctuated only by breaks to puke and pee.

Then that baby comes out of you and your S.O. immediately transforms from the man you once desired to your asexual co-parenting colleague.

The combination of our hormones plummeting, mind-numbing exhaustion, leaky breasts, and our abdomens looking like a shriveled balloon all factor into the lack of desire to get it on.  That, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of doing something that might result in another round of this pregnancy business.

But don’t worry….it does go back to normal.

Here are some guidelines for rekindling sex post-baby:

1. Go slow.

This is not the time for the hot shove-me-against-the-door-while-you-pull-my-hair sex.  The first time is about rediscovering your relationship as sexual partners and acknowledging your partner as someone with a libido rather than merely that guy who brings you orange juice.  You know how when you go on your first date after the baby is born you have to force yourself to talk about something other than the baby?  It’s like that. It’ll feel really weird at first because you know damn well you’re faking it and have no concern for anything but that cute baby, but fake it til you make it, as they say.

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2. Manage bodily fluids.

If you’re nursing, your vagina will be a barren desert and your breasts leaky water balloons.  Nature is just cruel sometimes.  Try to nurse or pump right before sex, or at the very least wear a bra.  Invest in some lube.

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3. Put it on the calendar.

But isn’t this a mood-killer?  Hate to break it to you, but so is that tiny little toothless person hanging from your tit.  Welcome to your new life.  Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be robotic sex.  Start fondling each other.  You’ll get in the mood.

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4. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

By which I mean, don’t even think of asking your partner if your vagina is as tight as it was pre-baby.  The answer is no.  Do you really need another reason to cry these days?  This is like asking your husband to look at your cellulite under a magnifying glass.  Drink a glass of wine and spare yourself.

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5. Be patient.

It takes a while for sex to feel normal, both physically and emotionally.  You just grew a new human.  Be kind to yourself and, yeah, serious, chill.

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All will come in time.




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