Dude Where’s My (Protein) Bar?

January 08, 2015

Dude Where’s My (Protein) Bar?

In our jam-packed, unforgiving lifestyles, eating the infamous five meals a day isn’t as feasible for dudes as experts advocate. To quote one of society’s brilliant poets, Sweet Brown: Ain’t nobody got time for that. As vital to our existence as ample nutrition is, an overwhelming amount of American adults aren’t even in the ballpark of consuming the suggested amount of nutrients.

According to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys, only 11.3 percent of Americans met the recommended intake of fiber, 4.7 percent of adults consumed recommended amounts of potassium, 75% of Americans are calcium and Vitamin D deficient, and iron takes the wrap as the most common deficiency in the world.

As much as you claim your body is provided with the fuel it needs to thrive in your high paced life and continue to make physical improvements, these simple deficiencies can account for debilitating health issues, such as osteoporosis, cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

Multivitamins are phenomenal supplements to counteract these deficiencies, though, depending on your physical goals they still lack adequate amounts of fiber, protein, and obviously, calories. The culmination of all these nutrients are what enable increases in muscle, lower fat percentages, and sustainable energy levels. Since the “five meals per day” mindset isn’t viable for some, supplementing protein and nutrient bars is one of the best ways to ensure you’re consuming proper amounts of the daily essentials. Heed my warning though—they are not all what they seem.

Varieties of brands are ridden with sugar, fats, and sodium levels that can give you diabetes just from thinking about them. So how can the tank wearing, bench pressing, power cleaning, womanizing, masculine man get enough brotein, vitamins and minerals in a 4-inch stick of sweetness without feeling like he’s just been neutered or half way through menopause?

With so many different brands on the market, finding a bar that suites your fitness and dietary needs can leave you as confused as that girl in your higher-level chemistry class—wait, whaaaat? Have no fear, for GYFT is here. We are dishing out some pivotal insight into GYFT’s top four bars to toss into your between-meal mix, and four to stay the hell away from.

1. Quest Bar


Not only does Quest have high levels of protein and fiber, but its carbohydrates, sodium, and fat are kept in check while its sugar content is almost non existent. Quest Bars are perfect for those packing on lean muscle or losing weight in conjunction with your fitness oriented diet. I must also mention that their Cookies & Cream flavor is one of the best tasting bars on planet earth. For a minute, I wished I could be a penguin and regurgitate my Quest bar just to have the delightful experience of ingesting it all over again.

2. Clif Builder's Bar


Builder’s Bar. Just say it again...Builder’s Bar. Doesn’t it have a nice ring to it? I almost feel like I am making gains just by saying it. There is a huge reason why this chocolate covered muscle enhancer is included on our favorites: low fat, low sodium, mid-range caloric content, high protein, and 100% daily intake of vitamins C, E & K, 25% of your daily calcium and iron, as well as niacin, and an assortment of vital A & B vitamins. Choose your flavors wisely as some are mediocre; except the vanilla almond, which is completely orgasmic.

3. Pure Protein


Aside from the fact that you can scoop up these bad boys at Costco on the low, these receive a well deserved mention in GYFT’s most well rounded protein bar. Pure Protein bars are similar to Quest in calories, protein, and fat content, though they have less fiber and more sugar. From our experiences they can also be a bit chalky, but their chocolate peanut butter bars are sweet, decadent, and most importantly, filling.

4. Marathon Protein Bar


We hate to love Marathon Bars. They initially turned us off because we found out they were made by none other than the most gain-killing candy brand known to man, Snickers. I admit, after we tried them and checked out the nutritional facts it was difficult to be biased. For those doing H.I.I.T. or partaking in a lot of cardio (i.e. MARATHON), these bars are primed to supply carbohydrates, calories, and the sugars your body craves after an intense, high-output cardio or weight session.

Similarly, they are the lowest in sodium, pack in nearly half of your daily amounts of calcium and iron, as well as 100% daily values of vitamins E, C, B6, B12, niacin, riboflavin, and thiamin. We wish Snickers added more potassium, but where they lack, they make up for in flavor. These are so damn tasty it requires too much self-control not to eat the entire box. Be sure to eat these either as a meal replacement when you’re on the go, or if you are frequently participating in extensive exercise.

Think Twice, or Three Times Before Snacking on These:

1. Met-Rx Big 100 Colossal


Holy sugar. Even the name “Big Colossal” pretty much has the opposite affect of our approved Builder’s Bar. It sounds like a “super-sized” version of something you would order at McDonalds or a challenge on Man Vs. Food. Yes, there are thirty-one grams of protein, but calories, fat, carbohydrates, and sugars (bad sugars – from alcohol) are obscene. By the way, the Big Colossal is worse for you than a Snickers in every facet except for protein. There is no reason for us to condone you Met-Rx, sorry we’re not sorry.

2. PowerBar Performance Energy


All you need to know: 240 calories. 45g of carbs. 24g of sugar. 8g of protein. Not worth it.

3. OhYeah! Protein Bar


You had us at 28g of protein, than completely shot yourself in the foot with 9g of saturated fat and 13g of sugar alcohol. Oh, 370 calories too? Chill, man.

4. Steel Bar


We all wish our abs felt like steel. Well, if you indulge in one of their bars, the mixture of 23g of sugar, low fiber and high fructose corn syrup will leave you feeling unsatisfied with a lethargic metabolism.

Remember, the bars we recommend are conducive to putting on muscle, which require excess calories and high levels of vitamins and protein. Most of these act as a meal replacement when trying to squeeze in five meals per day.

There’s nothing wimpy about chowing down on our approved protein bars. In fact, they can come in clutch in reaching your calorie, vitamin and protein goals. Grab a bro, grab a bar, and hit the gym—all without sacrificing muscle and hunger.

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