Don't Let Anger Ruin Your Relationship

by Allen Gil January 28, 2015

Don't Let Anger Ruin Your Relationship

Anger is a common emotion that you will feel throughout your relationships. Whether you're angry at your significant other for screwing up your food order or you’re pissed off that they talked to some girl at the gym, there is a healthier way to handle these emotions without having a complete blow-out fight.

Here are 8 healthy ways to express your anger before you ruin your relationship:

1. "I" Instead of "You"

If you’re aggravated that your man made a comment to one of his friends about something you said and you felt embarrassed about it, say “I feel really bad when someone tells their friend something embarrassing that I did” rather than “you made me feel like an idiot.”

“You” statements tend to make people more defensive because they feel like you are accusing them of something. Typically, using “I” will help them respect your feelings a little better and they may actually listen to you.

2. Watch What You Say

When I’m pissed off, words tend to come flying out of my mouth and they are not always what I intended to say in the moment. According to the American Psychological Association, “Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts.”

Unfortunately, once that word vomit comes spewing out, there is no taking it back. That person may forgive you, but they'll never forget what you said to them. So, catch yourself before it's too late.

3. Listen and Learn

If your man finally decides to apologize for something, don’t interrupt him while he’s talking. Let him say whatever he needs to say and give yourself a few minutes to process and THEN respond (remember, watch what you say when you’re angry!) If he feels like you’re going to keep cutting him off, he won’t want to talk and the issue will never get resolved. Even though this may be difficult at times, you have to attempt to not seem as though you're criticizing him.


4. Don’t Bring up Past Issues

Solve Anger Issues

So you’re yelling that he's late picking you up for that date. This does not mean you should remind him of when he was late 4 months ago. What is in the past, needs to remain in the past. If you are constantly bringing up what he did in the past (I’m incredibly guilty of this), your relationship will never move forward.

Learn to forgive and part of forgiving, is leaving the past in the past.

5. Men are Problem Solvers

So allow him to help you solve your issues. Instead of telling him exactly what you want him to do, choose to tell him what you don’t want. You can say, “I don’t want you to keep me waiting all the time,” and then allow him to come up with the best way to solve this issue. Don’t say, “I want you to call me every single time you are late.” They’ll rebel because they feel like you are trying to control them. Let them come up with a solution you can agree to.

6. “Never” Use a Definitive

One huge way to avoid a blowout fight is to avoid using a definitive. Men and women typically don’t respond well to, you “ALWAYS” tell him things I don’t want you to. Or, I’ve “NEVER” done that to you! People tend to get very defensive because they feel like you are attacking them.

Try to come up with phrases like, “sometimes I feel like you tell your friends things that I don’t want you to.” They are much less likely to feel like you are making large accusations and will typically respond in a more mature fashion.

According to American Psychological Association,

“Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. They are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.”

7. Pick the Right Time

So you’re out with his friends and he says something in front of everyone that really hurt your feelings. Don’t call him out in front of his friends. Find a time to pull him aside and let him know that you felt hurt during that situation. He may deserve to be screamed at in front of everyone, but his friends will remember ya’ll as the couple that fights all the time. Just sit him down alone and express how you are feeling.

Again, watch out for the “you” vs. "I” statements and the words and tone that you choose to use!

8. Don’t Leave the Fight Open-Ended


It’s easy to get caughtup in the moment and lose your composure. If you decide to discuss a problem, then you need to try to come up with a solution together. Leaving the problem open-ended will cause future battles over the same situation because you never found a solution the first time the problem presented itself. Learning to compromise can be one of the hardest parts in a relationship. No one wants to take the blame and no one likes to be the first one to apologize, but if your relationship is important enough to you, you’ll put your ego aside and make things right.

Remember, your relationship should be more important than your pride!

When we are angry, we tend to jump to conclusions and act upon what we have conjured up in our minds, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate.

Allen Gil
Allen Gil


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