Quiz: How Much Valentine's Day Sappiness Can You Handle?

by Allen Gil February 03, 2015

Quiz: How Much Valentine's Day Sappiness Can You Handle?

Photo Credit: Valentine's Day Quiz

Hate it or love it, Valentine’s Day doesn’t seem to be relinquishing its stronghold on the consciousness of the American public anytime soon. Some say Cupid’s favorite holiday is just too commercial; others feel it’s the perfect time to get down with their inner Keats.

In case you’re unsure of just where you fall on the spectrum, take our highly unscientific seven-question quiz to find out!

  • You're waiting in line at 711 behind a teenage couple playing grab-ass. They are giggling and whispering sweet nothings and you're pretty sure they are discussing names for their future children.
  • Do you:
    • A. Clench your jaw and make a loud, huffing sigh so they know their PDA is out of control.
    • B. Lean in and confide, "I've always been partial to unisex names."
    • C. Whip out your cell, call your friend and complain about them until they stop.
  • Scrolling through your Facebook feed, a number of married friends post the predictably romantic "I'm so happy _______ came into my life" thumbs-up fodder when you suddenly have the urge to:
    • A. Make a beeline to the kitchen to pour yourself a bowl of Fruit Loops... and then two more.
    • B. Snap a photo of your cat and post it as a comment with the caption, "at least this guy doesn't leave the seat up, but good for you." (What?)
    • C. Text your best friend a message explaining that you wish FB offered a "puking in my mouth" button and leave it at that.
  • Your well-meaning mother asks if you're still seeing that guy you mentioned a few weeks ago. You know, the one with the great smile. Sadly, you are not.
  • You respond:
    • A. "Yes... We are going out tonight, in fact! Don't know how he pulled those last minute reservations." (Denial. So sad.)
    • B. "It's really none of your business, but he wasn't going anywhere anyway!!" (Aggression. Touchyyy...)
    • C. By jumping through the nearest window. (Avoidance. Classic avoidance.)
  • It's been a rough day at work but you're finally at home and on the couch. You flip through a few channels and come across a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon.
  • Without hesitation, you:
    • A. Order yourself some roses to be received at work tomorrow. Expedited shipping is a cost you will simply have to incur.
    • B. Check your ex's Twitter feed. (What?)
    • C. Feel like it's a trap. Suddenly your chest is tightening and your respiration slows to a wheeze.
  • Your significant other has taken to leaving Valentine’s Day gift hints around the house via post-it notes. (S)he confronts you about whether you’ve noticed.
  • You:
    • A. Have. You lie and say you haven’t because you’re planning a surprise. (D’awww.)
    • B. Haven’t. You lie and say you have because, why fight?
    • C. Will never have this conversation because there is only room enough in your life for one needy person, and that person is you.
  • Your boss decides she will host a Valentine’s-themed luncheon in the office kitchen. It’s awkward and there are paper hearts taped to wall. A co-worker quips, “You’d better find someone soon or all the good ones will get snatched up! You want to get married, right?”
  • Your closest reaction would be to:
    • A. Reply in the affirmative. Suck down your Fresca. Back away slowly.
    • B. Ask whether the ink has dried on his divorce papers. Ohh, sick burn.
    • C. Calmly school them on the nature of your elected relationship status. I’m not single because I can’t get a mate, asshole, I like it like this.
  • You've made it all the way to Feb. 14. Dinner plans with your closest group of unattached pals have fallen through and you find yourself indulging in a sushi boat for two. (What??) You notice that the couple behind you is going through something very emotional. Oh, it's a real-life marriage proposal happening within earshot. Fantastic.
  • Your only option is to:
    • A. Ask your server to bring the couple a nice bottle of sake, on you. Eh, you have a heart.
    • B. Boldly sit at their table, congratulate them, and then refuse to leave until they convince you they are not making a big mistake. You can't see another happy engagement fall to shit... even if they are strangers.
    • C. Implode. Your intolerance for clichéd displays of affection has reached critical mass. The irony of it all is killing you right now. You start to snicker, but that turns into a giggle; your giggle morphs into stifled laughter. Before you know it, you're guffawing and slow clapping like a maniacal movie kingpin whose hideout has just been discovered by DEA agents. You choke down your toro, cry into your plum wine, and are promptly escorted from the premises.



    Mostly As:

        Not only are you disinterested in Valentine’s Day mushiness, you’re completely unable to process it. Maybe you had a bad experience, maybe you’re just not that romantic. Either way, you handle the holiday better than the next guy, but not by much. Hell, you might even enjoy it a bit, although you’d never admit it.

    Mostly Bs:

          Do people ever tell you that you disregard boundaries? You have no problem letting others know 
        when you feel V-Day has done you wrong and when they might be falling into some saccharine trap themselves. Whether you’re advising a friend to forgo an expensive present or insist on imparting a little romantic wisdom upon the newly engaged, you put the “overly” in “overly-aggressive.”

    Mostly Cs:

        At this point, you probably know where you stand. Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a joint conspiracy between the candy companies, Hallmark, and OWNTV to make your life a living hell around the same time every year. The way you see it, you don’t need to be told when to give love to the ones who deserve it—that’s for you to decide.

    Allen Gil
    Allen Gil


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