How I’d Market to Women if I Were Frank Underwood

March 29, 2015

How I’d Market to Women if I Were Frank Underwood

Photo Credit: blog.nuraypictures.com

Nobody wants to be a sucker. But when it comes to marketing products to us ladies, we’re practically putty in marketers’ hands. As a thought experiment, I decided to come up with a list of features I would tout if I wanted to sell “Emily’s Miracle Body Solution” to women in my demographic – if I were the Frank Underwood of women’s health product marketing, if you will.

Here’s what I would say about it:

It’ll help you achieve balance.

woman-at-the-spa

 

I’m not exactly sure what it means, but it’s become the buzzword of the decade among women. It’s mental shorthand for an image of ourselves lying on a spa table with cucumbers over our eyes.

It’s natural.

It conjures images of a weather-beaten farmer tilling the soil, of a hand woven basket full of fresh fruit sitting atop a picnic table of strawberries in springtime. Unfortunately, companies are allowed to throw around the term “natural” fast and loose with nothing in the way of legal guardrails. As a consumer, your best bet is to use more specific terminology based on your own research. Are you looking to avoid GMOs? Antibiotics? Added hormones? Added fragrances? Specific language is more meaningful here.

It’s chemical-free.

No, it isn’t. Everything is a chemical. Once again, it behooves us as consumers to research specific kinds of chemicals to make informed choices. Should aluminum in deodorant be avoided? Are cans lined with BPA harmful?

It has a full serving of vegetables.

chef-boyardee
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Everything is a health product now. Did you know that cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli tout a full daily serving of vegetables? And strawberry Pop-Tarts boast that they’re made with real fruit? Even if these things are literally true, they give an inaccurate impression of the overall healthiness (or lack thereof!) of the food itself. Ingredient labels and nutrition labels are a better place to find specific information about what you’re eating.

It cleanses toxins.

toxin-free
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“Toxins” used to mean things you’d breathe or ingest that would kill you. You know, carbon monoxide. Snake venom. Now apparently it means anything other than the kale you picked from your own garden. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit here but you get the point. Is there some merit to the idea that there are certain chemicals we breathe and eat that are harmful? Sure. But if you’re trying to tell me your product eliminates these toxins, show me the science. What is the exact thing that is supposed to be toxic, and how does your product get rid of it?

Is there some merit to the idea that there are certain chemicals we breathe and eat that are harmful? Sure. But if you’re trying to tell me your product eliminates these toxins, show me the science. What is the exact thing that is supposed to be toxic, and how does your product get rid of it?

It’s pH-balanced.

It better be: if it weren’t, the acid in the product would burn right through your skin. More like Oil of Olaaaaaaarrrrggghh!!!!

It’s simple/naked/whole/pure/fresh.

100-pure
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Again, terms like this are suggestive of pure ingredients as nature intended them, free from additives and preservatives and the like. Unfortunately, it’s meaningless marketing jargon, so you’re taking the company at its word.

So there you have it.

Click here to purchase Emily’s balanced, all-natural, chemical-free, toxin-cleaning, pH balanced, pure miracle body solution. It has a full serving of vegetables.




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