3 Implants That Only Crazy People Get...Seriously

by Allen Gil April 09, 2015

3 Implants That Only Crazy People Get...Seriously

This article is not about boobs, tatas, hooters, the life sources of my four-month-old son. No, this bit here is digging way deeper (see what I did there?) into the dark underbelly that is Implant Season.

What’s that?  You didn’t know there’s a season du implants?  Well, while I couldn’t find any scientific proof that there’s a whole lot happening right now, it just feels like we’re smack dab in the middle of it.  If my hunch is right, and this time of year is when people are gettin’ work dun more than other times of year, I’m guessing, and it’s only a total guess, that it’s all happening in anticipation of, yup, summer.

So what’s trending in Implant-landia?

1. Buttock Augmentation (aka Butt Implants)

If you’re trying to keep up with all things Kim Kardashian, you might be hearing whispers of this magical procedure.

In 2013, nearly 10,000 butt job (is that layman’s language?) procedures were performed, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS). 

That’s a 16% jump from the previous year, which is the largest gain of all cosmetic procedures.



These “Brazilian Butt Lifts” are inspired by Kim-ye, J-Lo, Beyonce, and Ms. Anaconda herself, Nikki Minaj.

So, you know, would you?  Get that butt… lifted?!?

2. Calf Implants

Remember that episode of True Life: I Had Plastic Surgery where the young man got calf implants?  Great, so do I.  And traumatized I still am.

Calf implants aren’t the niche of skinny, lanky guys anymore.  In fact, according to Dr. Chugay of Beverly Hills, who himself has done over a thousand calf implant surgeries, bodybuilders today are signing in up in record numbers to get strong, defined calves… without having to put the time in at the gym.



Dr. Chugay shares: “Many people don't realize that the two muscle groups that make up the lower leg region can't always be crafted into the desired shape by merely workouts alone. Even with years of training, some calves simply won't be where the person wants them to be. So, what's a bodybuilder to do? The answer lies in calf augmentation-using calf implants-a surgical procedure to improve the overall 'look' of the lower leg.”

Got a sudden appetite, don’t ya.

Since we’re getting a little cheeky… why not:

3. Cheek Implants (Malar Augmentation)

As we all fight the proverbial Father Time, some are choosing to go under the knife to get their cheeks (not those, the ones on their face)… lifted.

This is where things get a little weird, a little bizarre, and a little gross.

People are getting this procedure not just because they’re bony in the face or because they don’t like their smile.



So, gotta ask… are your cheeks weak?!?

Some parts of the country seem to obsess more than others with physical looks.  From South Beach to the Hamptons, Beverly Hills to Wall Street, plastic surgery is on the up-and-up!

Oh… well, this bonus bit isn’t about an actual implant, but it is an elective surgery:

Bonus: Labiaplasties (aka Designer Vagina Procedures)

Even the guys are shifting in their seats when hearing about this one!

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) these elective procedures increased by 44% in 2013.

The cause of this jump?  Probably the same thing as the butt lift: media, led by the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and possibly Internet Porn).  After all, what was the internet truly created for?

Here’s to being comfortable in your own skin!

Allen Gil
Allen Gil


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